times past

I have come to REALIZE how over the past two years all that i have lost has been eating away at me. not that i am not so incredibly thankful and blessed with the family that i now have, its just that the past has been GNAWING at me.. regrets of past relationships that have ended either due to my negligence or just because the season ended.

Some things are unavoidable, people change, CIRCUMSTANCES change, goals and directions... they all change. yet i still feel this aching over what has faded in the distance of time. i know that i can never go back to the way things were and the more i look at how much i have changed and grown for the better i can't say that i would want to yet there are those regrets and also fond memories that i wish i could revisit not to change but just feel again.

I can say without a doubt that i am not the person i once knew... in fact i am trying to figure out once again who i am. i thought that this was a one time situation: i remember the struggles and inner TURMOIL that there was when i was first trying to see who i was, no sooner did i have a grasp on it then everything was turned upside down and somethings vanished all together. i don't laugh or cry like i used to, things that once were to funny aren't anymore, BEAUTY has changed for me, colors are not as bright as they once were. pain has been dulled but so has joy and yet when i look at pictures or catch a faint scent those feelings come back if only for a moment.
now as depressing as this all sounds there is some good to it. i have come to see things in a more realistic light. but ohhhh how i WISH life could be whimsical again i wouldn't have a worry in the world and would be content once more.
what i have found mutes out the cacophony of emotion; the rapture of taking a hold of my husbands hand and knowing that we are ONE learning what it is to love someone beyond anything i could have dreamed, the joy and TREPIDATION of seeing that + sign and knowing that my life has once again been changed forever, the ECSTASY of holding my baby for the first time knowing that i will have her for the rest of my life to love and cherish and nurture, seeing my daughter grow get bumps and bruises and with teary eyes open her arms to me. all of this is what we live for. we truly are but a vapor but we are given the chance to taste so much, how often do we embrace the privilege to walk in the sand where no foot prints have been made.